Day 21. 10 small moments

1. He blows bubbles while I hold her in my arms. She watches and smiles and some of them pop on her outstretched hands. These are the small moments that I memorize.

2. He sits and watches all of us while his cane leans against the couch. 

3. She takes out the ironing board immediately after all the kids leave for school. I haven't asked her for her help. It's as if she's impatient to work. My memories of her are filled with her working. working. working. 

4. I'm asked again (and again) why I wasn't there. I count to ten. "The date was moved for different reasons... my trip was planned months ago..." My presence wasn't deemed necessary, and so my resentment turns white hot. Before it can melt my face I focus: smell the rose. blow out the candle. smell the rose. blow out the candle. I take another deep breath and remember: my acquiescence was MY choice, and the only way out of resentment is through love.

5. I've taken over the Instagram account for a few days while he's in Colombia. He's not ever getting it back because the stories are so silly and fun for me to do. It's like being given the keys to an old Volvo station wagon filled with camping gear and the only instructions are to simply: DRIVE.

6. I read his email where he thanks me. It breaks me a little because it's what I need to hear the most, and in his words especially. I thought he forgot. My heart feels so achy and full it hurts. 

7. I pull up to the school and feel like a weirdo. She exits the side of the building and takes the vanilla bean latte from me. I do this for her because I love her, and because I remember feeling anxious and itchy in my own skin the last few days of Senior Year. I think of them and how I will never be ready to have a teenager. It will wreck me.

8. I bring over cardboard boxes to next door to start packing up their wacky and fragile animal menagerie. The whole thing feels comical and Filipino and sweet and sad. All the feels.  

9. I gel his hair for a 1950's do, and get him prepared for his school's dance concert. We make jokes about the increased flammability his hair based on the amount of product he's now wearing. There is something so great about joking in the bathroom, and having a conversation while looking at each other through the mirror.

10. I want this school dance concert's soundtrack. I loved every song they played from the 1920-2020. It would be best as a mix tape with a B side.